Holland is Beautiful!

Have you read this before?

"When you’re going to have a baby , it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Sistine Chapel, Gondolas. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting. After several months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland!” “Holland?” you say. “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy. I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.” But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine, and disease. It’s just a different place. So, you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It’s just a different place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around. You begin to notice that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. And Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.” And the pain of that experience will never, ever, ever, go away. The loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland."

This was written in 1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley...let's see, in 1987 I was engaged to my husband, planning to marry the following New Years and start a family right away. In my plans, we would quickly have a house full of children, whom I would stay home with and homeschool. Each of them would be perfectly well mannered, talented at something and always say "Yes, Ma'am" and "No, Ma'am". They would never disobey, never lie or do anything to embarrass me in public and never yell at me and call me an idiot!!

You see, I had made my plans. I was going to Italy, and no mistake about it!

So, what happened? How is it that I find myself in Holland with a special needs child who does not speak the language I know? What do I do with this child God has given me, who yells at me and calls me names. Who hits me and lashes out in anger. Who does not save his theatrics for home, but will explode just about anywhere, for who knows how long. This child. This child does NOT speak Italian!

This child. This child with the amazing green eyes. This child with a sense of humor that has me laughing every day. This child who knows things beyond his years. Who has endured things I don't even want to contemplate. Who has an inner strength and fortitude that is formidable. This child who loves his Mommy. Whose favorite place after a big explosion is curled up in Mommy's lap. This child speaks Dutch.

Guess what? I am starting to learn Dutch. I have thrown out my Italian language books, my Fromer's guides, my links to good Italian restaurants. I am developing a taste for bread and herring, for cheese and sausage. I am learning to love living in a place I never wanted to go. I am beginning to accept that Holland is exactly the place for us.

And Life Rolls On...

...and on. I spent 30 minutes in the bathroom this morning (I promise, this will NOT be TMI!) with a child on my lap who was losing it. Round and round he went with his circling arguments never getting anywhere, because we all know that going in circles never gets you any place you want to go.

"I tan't be twiet! I told you one million-one hundred tosuand times I don't know how to be twiet! I am TIRSTY!!! I am going to die of being tirsty! I will not be twiet betause I told you I tan't be twiet!!!"

On and on it goes. I was very calm as I sat with him in my arms. Praying for help. And he would not be quiet. I called Daddy, but he was in a meeting, so no help from that quarter.

I thought of all the people who look at my child and say (I have heard them) that all he needs is a good spanking. That we do not have control of our child. That he runs our house. That they would NEVER allow their child to act this way.

Guess what? Sometimes he is out of control....aren't YOU sometimes out of control too? Do you ever have emotions that you don't know what to do with, boiling up inside you and making you want to scream with frustration or anger? I know I do.

So how can we (me included here) expect a five year old that has been through what my five year old has been through in his short life to have it all together? To know how to act all the time and to do it well? I have not been through what he has been through and I don't act like I know I should!

So, back to this morning...as I sat there with him snuggled in my lap (for though his words were angry and his tone harsh, he was snuggled up to me for comfort) I just started to pray out loud for him. For God to use his strength to help people and not hurt them. I prayed for every part of him, his mind, his eyes, his ears, his heart, his feet - the whole of AJ - that God would use him for good things. That AJ would be willing to listen to God, to learn from Him and from Mommy and Daddy, so that he could be used by God for the purpose for which he was created. For while some may think that this child should never have been born, that he was an accident, I know the truth. God has a plan for this little man.

And after I finished praying, I helped him to pray. To ask God to help him. It was the sweetest moment...because as soon as I started praying for him, he stopped his arguing to listen. To listen to me speak words of love and affirmation over him. To hear me crying out to God on his behalf. It was not the way I had hoped to start my morning, and yet, if it happens this way every day, I will be honored to bring my child to the throne!

So, please don't judge him. He is a boy who needs your love and prayers. A boy who God knew before He created him in his mother's womb. A boy who will do mighty things for the Lord because he has the passion and determination to get it done.

I am honored to be this boy's Momma.

Women of Purpose and Passion

It's been almost five years ago now, when I got the call that made me a mom. "I've got some kids here, I think you need to hear about. I think that you would be a good match for each other." And so began a journey that continues today. It has not always been an easy road to walk. I went through several months of depression as my dreams of what motherhood would be synced with the reality of what motherhood is. During those early days, I cried out to God to please, please, give me friends, Lord. Friends who are moms, who love you and love their husbands. Friends who are passionate about things that really matter.

Which brings us to today. Today I am surrounded by friends, women of purpose and passion, who love God, love their husbands, friends who are moms. God has answered my prayers beyond anything I could have imagined.

I have friends who are passionate about unborn life. Who despite their fears of loss of relationship, loss of family, took a stand when women they knew were poised on the brink of ending their child's life. Sometimes a miracle happened and life was saved, family was strengthened. Sometimes, things did not work out the way we had hoped, and friendships ended, life ended. Regardless, I know that our Father will say to both of my friends, "Well done,
Daughter. You did what I asked. I will take it from here."

I have friends who are passionate about women and children caught in the horror of the sex slave trade. These friends actively raise money and awareness to help the victims of this horrible 'business'. One of them almost single handedly put together a 5K race which raised $7500 to help an organization in Germany which helps women escape slavery.

I have several friends who are passionate about orphans and those who are abandoned because they don't match the image that society demands. In fact, many of the friends I now have are now pursuing or have plans to pursue adoption...which as you know, is near and dear to my own heart. One of these dear friends has a passion to adopt, but instead of forcing her husband to march to her plans, she has entrusted the whole thing to God, and while she waits on God and shows the utmost respect for her husband, she is helping to raise awareness and money for orphans with Down Syndrome in Russia. These monies will allow families who want to adopt these children, but who do not have the required $25,000, to do so...uniting forever a child without hope with a family who will love them always.

I also now have friends who are passionate about motherhood, about raising and educating their children to love and serve our mighty God. These women also face rejection and criticism, for in our world today, those are not often qualities that are highly valued. Many times my friends have lost relationships because they stand firm in their convictions. But they continue to walk the path God has put them on, despite the pain and loss that they experience.

Which brings me back to today. God is calling me out of this proving ground, out of this safe haven of women who are passionate about the same things as I am. Women who have helped shape and mold me into the woman, the mother that I am today. We are leaving Colorado soon. Moving back to be near our families. On one hand, I am filled with joy to be close to my parents and my sister and her family. To be able to raise my children with their cousins, for you see, this too has always been a dream of mine. On the other hand, I am having to leave my friends. These sisters of the heart. But God has proven Himself faithful. I have seen what He can do, of how bountifully he answers the longings of our hearts. So I walk forward in faith, in obedience, and with anticipation! For now, not only do I have these dear friends behind me, still loving and supporting me, but the anticipation of what is before me.